June makes a year since I moved back into the city. It's only been recently that I changed my drivers license to this address. I was so sure I wasn't going to stay here. I was sure my nerves just couldn't take living in the city. I lived in the city my whole life and my whole life I was a nervous wreck. Then I moved out to the country and got still and quiet and my nerves calmed down and I wasn't a wreck any more. But then not long after I moved here, I WAS a wreck AGAIN! I'm not the brightest bulb in the lamp but even I could figure out what that meant. It meant that communing with nature and being still and quiet is what calmed my soul. So until just a couple months ago, I was just biding my time until the lease ran out here so I could move back out to the country. But in the meantime, I decided, I would try to get out somewhere quiet and still as often as possible. So I bought an inexpensive tent and acquired some hand me down camping and backpacking gear. And me and Bossy started spending some time in the woods. And wouldn't ya know it??? My nerves have calmed down. Turns out I don't need to live in the country to keep my sanity. I just need to unplug from the city as often as possible.
The problem was that I was resisting. I hated the city and I was bucking against it instead of looking for the good in it. There I go with that looking for the good thing again. But it's true! I was focusing on the traffic, the noise, the unfriendly people, the pace is too fast, it's too crowded, too congested, did I mention the TRAFFIC???? And those were the things that expanded in my mind and in my life. Everywhere I looked was a car wreck or a traffic jam. Everyplace I went, nobody was smiling and no one would speak if I spoke to them. I came home at the end of the day exhausted and drained. I felt overstimulated and agitated. And I became very depressed and felt overwhelmed by it all.
But when I began to make the effort to look elsewhere, my experience changed. It started out just as a survival thing. I was just going to do camping and hiking until I could get moved back out to the country. But I soon realized that it was all I needed to rejuvenate myself and lift my spirits. And the great thing is that one of the campgrounds and hiking places is less than ten miles from my house! I don't need to have a 40 mile commute into town every day. Just commuting ten miles out to the campground will accomplish the same thing if I do it often enough. And then I have the best of both worlds! I have all the advantages of living in the city and can get away from it whenever I need or want to.
I think one thing I've learned from it is that sometimes it just takes a small step to make an improvement. Then one thing leads to another and then another and it keeps expanding until eventually we have a new life, a life we have imagined into being, one little step at a time. And that's good! Look for the good! :)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Wherever you are, be there
This weekend me and Bossy went camping for a couple days. My Friday customer cancelled so we got to the lake Thursday night. Nobody else was there. We had the whole campground all to ourselves. It was so quiet. Very relaxing and healing. Thursday night was pretty much about unwinding and getting centered. I slept really well and woke up feeling great Friday morning. I love sleeping in my tent.
We did a little exploring Friday and I felt really connected to the environment. We did a little hiking and I saw a guinea fowl. I've never seen one of those in person before. I saw beautiful butterflies, a monarch and a swallowtail. I saw a swarm of dragonflies circling above. And there were these beautiful bugs that kept hanging around the fire ring. They were jade blue with white dots outlining their wings. I could see them from several feet away because of their color. I was fascinated with them. Friday night I saw a lone lightening bug. I kept seeing the flash of light and at first I thought it was headlights from the park ranger's truck on the other side of the trees. But the light kept moving around and getting closer to me until I realized it was a lightening bug. I haven't seen one of those in a long time.
The campgrounds is, apparently, in the flight pattern for planes landing at the airport. So a lot of planes flew over and at first it really detracted from the experience of being out in nature. I let it irritate me for a while because I came to the campground to get away from the noise of the city and here I was still having to hear planes. I kind of got an attitude about it there for a while. But then I became so intrigued with the beauty I was seeing in the woods that I pretty much tuned out the planes.
That night, sitting by my campfire, I thought about all that I had observed and felt during the day and I realized that I had made a choice. I chose to focus on the beauty and ignore the airplanes. They were gone quickly and then the things that were bringing me pleasure were still there. I chose to truly be focused in the now moment and to truly be there. Sometimes we miss a lot because we're not really fully present in the experience we're having. I'm very guilty of that. But for this weekend's camping trip, I was truly there, and it was wonderful. I couldn't help but think of the old song "It's A Wonderful World". There IS a lot of good in the world. Look for the good!
We did a little exploring Friday and I felt really connected to the environment. We did a little hiking and I saw a guinea fowl. I've never seen one of those in person before. I saw beautiful butterflies, a monarch and a swallowtail. I saw a swarm of dragonflies circling above. And there were these beautiful bugs that kept hanging around the fire ring. They were jade blue with white dots outlining their wings. I could see them from several feet away because of their color. I was fascinated with them. Friday night I saw a lone lightening bug. I kept seeing the flash of light and at first I thought it was headlights from the park ranger's truck on the other side of the trees. But the light kept moving around and getting closer to me until I realized it was a lightening bug. I haven't seen one of those in a long time.
The campgrounds is, apparently, in the flight pattern for planes landing at the airport. So a lot of planes flew over and at first it really detracted from the experience of being out in nature. I let it irritate me for a while because I came to the campground to get away from the noise of the city and here I was still having to hear planes. I kind of got an attitude about it there for a while. But then I became so intrigued with the beauty I was seeing in the woods that I pretty much tuned out the planes.
That night, sitting by my campfire, I thought about all that I had observed and felt during the day and I realized that I had made a choice. I chose to focus on the beauty and ignore the airplanes. They were gone quickly and then the things that were bringing me pleasure were still there. I chose to truly be focused in the now moment and to truly be there. Sometimes we miss a lot because we're not really fully present in the experience we're having. I'm very guilty of that. But for this weekend's camping trip, I was truly there, and it was wonderful. I couldn't help but think of the old song "It's A Wonderful World". There IS a lot of good in the world. Look for the good!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Mind/Body connection
Since moving back into the city, I have felt myself gradually becoming more anxious and nervous. I find that the constant activity and stimulation and the fast pace of the city is agitating. I was born and raised in the city and I was always a very nervous person. I just figured that was just the type of person I was. But then after living in the country for a couple years, I found a different me that I never knew before. Unfortunately, THAT me is once again fading and the nervous me is coming back. So I've decided to try to find ways to unplug from the city in the hopes that maybe the peaceful, connected me will come back.
I recently bought a tent and some camping gear and me and my dog went out to the lake and camped for a couple nights. I could definitely tell the difference so I figured I was onto something. But within a few days being back in the city, I felt stressed and nervous again. So maybe I SHOULD move back to the country. But until that happens, I am determined to find ways of escaping the rat race.
Last week, I got some books from the library about backpacking and someone gave me some backpacking magazines. I sat up in bed reading the books and the stories in the magazines about hiking. I looked at all those beautiful pictures people had taken on the trail. And I daydreamed about what it would be like to hike the Appalachian Trail, or any trail for that matter. I couldn't get it off my mind. For the next several days, I spent a lot of time fantasizing while I was working. The fantasies were so real in my mind that it felt like I was really there.
After doing this for a few days, I realized something. I was relaxed! I haven't even been backpacking yet but, apparently, just thinking about it relaxed me in the very same way actually doing it will. I thought about my belief that we are IN our body as opposed to we ARE our body. And I realized that I don't have to physically get away from the city in order to calm my nerves down. My nerves and my body are just reflecting what my mind is doing. All that time I spent fantasizing in my mind about hiking through the wilderness and sleeping in a tent by a stream on a mountainside had the very same affect on my body as actually doing it would.
I still intend to go backpacking and camping every chance I get. But I'm glad I noticed that I felt better just from mentally unplugging from the rat race. It pays to pay attention. Paying attention is good. Look for the good! :)
I recently bought a tent and some camping gear and me and my dog went out to the lake and camped for a couple nights. I could definitely tell the difference so I figured I was onto something. But within a few days being back in the city, I felt stressed and nervous again. So maybe I SHOULD move back to the country. But until that happens, I am determined to find ways of escaping the rat race.
Last week, I got some books from the library about backpacking and someone gave me some backpacking magazines. I sat up in bed reading the books and the stories in the magazines about hiking. I looked at all those beautiful pictures people had taken on the trail. And I daydreamed about what it would be like to hike the Appalachian Trail, or any trail for that matter. I couldn't get it off my mind. For the next several days, I spent a lot of time fantasizing while I was working. The fantasies were so real in my mind that it felt like I was really there.
After doing this for a few days, I realized something. I was relaxed! I haven't even been backpacking yet but, apparently, just thinking about it relaxed me in the very same way actually doing it will. I thought about my belief that we are IN our body as opposed to we ARE our body. And I realized that I don't have to physically get away from the city in order to calm my nerves down. My nerves and my body are just reflecting what my mind is doing. All that time I spent fantasizing in my mind about hiking through the wilderness and sleeping in a tent by a stream on a mountainside had the very same affect on my body as actually doing it would.
I still intend to go backpacking and camping every chance I get. But I'm glad I noticed that I felt better just from mentally unplugging from the rat race. It pays to pay attention. Paying attention is good. Look for the good! :)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Accentuate the positive
For several months, I have been in kind of a funk, or a depression, if I must call it that. I haven't been suicidal in the sense that I wanted to blow my brains out or swallow a bunch of pills. I guess you could classify it, if it needs to be classified, as passive suicidal. That means that I've kind of been at a place where if I got cancer, lets say, I wouldn't have pursued treatment. I would have just let it "take me".
But inside each one of us, there is always a presence that very much wants to live. I mean REALLY live, not just exist. It's a part of us that we can't squelch, no matter how hard we try. It the reason for the restlessness so many of us feel when our lives are not what we wish they were. I call it divine discontentment. It's our higher self, our soul, our spirit, however you want to word it.....if it needs to be worded. In 51 years of life, I've never been able to make that part of me shut up. At times when I've wanted to throw in the towel, that part of me, that little voice inside me, kept coming up with reasons not to and things to try to make things better.
In an effort to please that part of me, and practice what I preach here on this blog, I started looking inside myself for something, anything, about my life or about life in general that I still found pleasure in. And I came up with not one, but two things. I still love music. And I still love nature. So I've begun to focus on those two things in very simple ways.
At this point, I don't have much money to spend. But if we do as much as we can with what we have then it will expand. I DO have $6 to buy a couple potted plants for my deck. I now have red and white impatiens lining the steps of my deck. And there is a big azalea bush outside and I cut some of the flowers and put then in a vase on my kitchen table. That was free and I've really enjoyed them. And I had $35 to buy myself a tent. Now me and my dog can go out to the campground at the lake and commune with nature and unplug from the hustle bustle of the city for a while. It's that hustle bustle that has brought on much, if not most, of the depression in the first place.
As far as music goes, I do have 99 cents to download a song to my MP3 player. And, of course, I'm still totally in love with Willie Nelson and he just released a new album, which I plan to get next week. And I still have lots and lots of music that I've had all along. And there's always the radio. That's free!!!
Just from making these small, inexpensive changes in my life and focusing on the two things I found that I still love, the depression has lifted substantially. I feel lighter and I now have something to look forward to. I'm getting that childlike joy from simple, little things like finding a cooler at the Goodwill store for $3 that would sell new for about $25+. Or the little two dollar plastic egg carrier I got at Walmart for taking eggs to the campground with me. I'm almost embarrassed how tickled I was with my new egg carrier. LOL!
But at least I'm laughing and smiling again. And the fog is lifting and life feels better. Just from emphasizing two small things, the only two things I still enjoyed. And, what I can see is that it's really true that once we satisfy one desire, it sparks another desire. That's human nature. What we focus on expands in our lives. Now I'm thinking about doing some hiking and backpacking with my new tent. Of course, then I couldn't take my airbed with me and I'd have to sleep in a sleeping bag on the ground. So let's not get carried away here! :)
Here's to focusing on the good stuff!
But inside each one of us, there is always a presence that very much wants to live. I mean REALLY live, not just exist. It's a part of us that we can't squelch, no matter how hard we try. It the reason for the restlessness so many of us feel when our lives are not what we wish they were. I call it divine discontentment. It's our higher self, our soul, our spirit, however you want to word it.....if it needs to be worded. In 51 years of life, I've never been able to make that part of me shut up. At times when I've wanted to throw in the towel, that part of me, that little voice inside me, kept coming up with reasons not to and things to try to make things better.
In an effort to please that part of me, and practice what I preach here on this blog, I started looking inside myself for something, anything, about my life or about life in general that I still found pleasure in. And I came up with not one, but two things. I still love music. And I still love nature. So I've begun to focus on those two things in very simple ways.
At this point, I don't have much money to spend. But if we do as much as we can with what we have then it will expand. I DO have $6 to buy a couple potted plants for my deck. I now have red and white impatiens lining the steps of my deck. And there is a big azalea bush outside and I cut some of the flowers and put then in a vase on my kitchen table. That was free and I've really enjoyed them. And I had $35 to buy myself a tent. Now me and my dog can go out to the campground at the lake and commune with nature and unplug from the hustle bustle of the city for a while. It's that hustle bustle that has brought on much, if not most, of the depression in the first place.
As far as music goes, I do have 99 cents to download a song to my MP3 player. And, of course, I'm still totally in love with Willie Nelson and he just released a new album, which I plan to get next week. And I still have lots and lots of music that I've had all along. And there's always the radio. That's free!!!
Just from making these small, inexpensive changes in my life and focusing on the two things I found that I still love, the depression has lifted substantially. I feel lighter and I now have something to look forward to. I'm getting that childlike joy from simple, little things like finding a cooler at the Goodwill store for $3 that would sell new for about $25+. Or the little two dollar plastic egg carrier I got at Walmart for taking eggs to the campground with me. I'm almost embarrassed how tickled I was with my new egg carrier. LOL!
But at least I'm laughing and smiling again. And the fog is lifting and life feels better. Just from emphasizing two small things, the only two things I still enjoyed. And, what I can see is that it's really true that once we satisfy one desire, it sparks another desire. That's human nature. What we focus on expands in our lives. Now I'm thinking about doing some hiking and backpacking with my new tent. Of course, then I couldn't take my airbed with me and I'd have to sleep in a sleeping bag on the ground. So let's not get carried away here! :)
Here's to focusing on the good stuff!
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Good in Being Real
When I first started writing this blog, I had a lot to say. I was at a place in my life where I was feeling very inspired and had a lot of ideas and feelings inside me that I wanted to express. I very much enjoyed sharing my experiences and philosophies. But after a while, I moved to a different place and didn't really have that much to say any more. I guess I've always had a short attention span. That's why I always got cheap toys when I was little. Moma knew I wouldn't stay interested long so I didn't get anything that cost much. To this day, I'd rather have several small jobs to do than one big one. I guess it's just the way I'm wired.
For a while, I tried to make myself continue to write. But I saw that the things I was writing weren't bubbling up from the inside but rather were just thrown together off the top of my head. Writing in this blog began to feel more like a chore than an expression of myself. And that didn't feel right. I felt like a phony, a fraud.
My definition of success is that we're living life on our own terms and being true to ourselves. To me, part of being true to myself is being honest with myself and being real. I was sitting here trying to write about looking for the good even at times when I WASN'T looking for the good. I had to take a good look in the mirror and see my own human-ness. I had to admit to myself, if not to my readers, if I have any, that I don't always look for the good. Sometimes I just have a piss poor attitude and I just like to wallow in it for a while. And, being a middle aged female, there are times when my body chemistry (aka hormones!) makes me have, how shall I say this, a different perspective on things. And sometimes, dammit, I just don't feel like writing in this blog!
So from now on, I will only write when I have something bubbling up from inside me. I'm only going to be real. And being real is really really good! See there? I found some good! :)
For a while, I tried to make myself continue to write. But I saw that the things I was writing weren't bubbling up from the inside but rather were just thrown together off the top of my head. Writing in this blog began to feel more like a chore than an expression of myself. And that didn't feel right. I felt like a phony, a fraud.
My definition of success is that we're living life on our own terms and being true to ourselves. To me, part of being true to myself is being honest with myself and being real. I was sitting here trying to write about looking for the good even at times when I WASN'T looking for the good. I had to take a good look in the mirror and see my own human-ness. I had to admit to myself, if not to my readers, if I have any, that I don't always look for the good. Sometimes I just have a piss poor attitude and I just like to wallow in it for a while. And, being a middle aged female, there are times when my body chemistry (aka hormones!) makes me have, how shall I say this, a different perspective on things. And sometimes, dammit, I just don't feel like writing in this blog!
So from now on, I will only write when I have something bubbling up from inside me. I'm only going to be real. And being real is really really good! See there? I found some good! :)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Another favorite quote
"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the wrong. For sometime in your life, you will have been all of these."
Lloyd Shearer
Lloyd Shearer
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The good in being needed
I don't know if this entry really fits in with the theme of looking for the good. But I've been chewing on these thoughts for days and felt it was time to get them into writing. Hope somebody somewhere gets something out of it. :)
All my life, I kinda "knew" that my reason for existing was to take care of my mother. Even as a little girl, I found myself running to her rescue if she fell or fainted or whatever. And when my drunk father was raising hell with her, I'd jump in between them and he'd always back down. I guess that's pretty dysfunctional shit but that's not really what I want to write about tonight.
What I want to talk about is being needed...and needing someone else. As long as Moma was still alive, I felt needed. I felt like there was a purpose for my life. When she had her stroke, I kept her at my house for as long as I could. I pureed her food, changed her diapers and bathed her. Her condition quickly became more than I could handle alone but it felt natural to be caring for her at the end of her life.
Even though it felt natural in later years to take care of my mother, in earlier years it sometimes was stifling and suffocating. I often didn't feel like I could have a life of my own because Moma "needed" me so much. I have to confess that I held some resentment inside for years. Moma had other kids but they weren't there for her and she didn't seem to want them to be. It was me she wanted. And I was always there because I felt like that was where I belonged, where I was supposed to be.
After my mother died in November 2000, I went through a series of emotions. I was told that was normal but it didn't feel very normal at the time. The first emotion was terror. It was the first time in my life that my mother wasn't there. It felt like something really wrong had happened, like it was a terrible mistake that she died. It was not real to me that I'd never see her again. There was a part of me that was waiting for her to get back from wherever she was.
Once I accepted the reality that my mother had gone on to what's next for her, then I had to figure out what was next for me. Suddenly I felt free, more free than I ever had felt in my life. I felt like a bird let out of a cage. I felt guilty for feeling that way. But I felt that way. For the next several years, I poured myself into my business and my new found freedom. But, as I've written before, I burned myself out and crashed.
Then I went into the next emotions....depression and loneliness. I felt so displaced, so unnecessary. Without Moma there to look out for, I truly could not justify my existence and at times I wasn't sure I even wanted to exist any more. My life was empty and pointless. Every day I went through the motions of working because if I didn't, I'd be homeless and hungry. But I really felt no sense of purpose at all.
It was at this point that I realized the I needed to be needed. The "freedom" I had experienced after Moma died had turned into a very lonely existence. There's an old song that says "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". I truly had nothing left to lose. Except for my pets, there was nobody that needed me. I was stubborn though and said that I didn't want anybody "dependent" on me. I needed my "space". I had my hands full just taking care of myself and I didn't want to have to take care of anyone else. I had totally shut myself off from people and it had become very painful.
Eventually, I started trying to reach out to people but was rejected several times and I crawled back inside myself. But there was something inside of me that kept telling me that humans are not designed to live in a capsule. It is our nature to need each other. I had to admit that I needed someone. I needed someone to need me.
Recently I met someone who I think might just need me. And I feel myself wanting to give to this person and take care of him, not in a nursemaid sort of way, but just in a loving sort of way. Many of the things I said I'd never do, I truly desire to do for him. Even cook!!!! Hope I remember how! :)
I used to think that having someone need you was confining and suffocating. But I've really come to see the good in being needed and in needing someone else. See there! I found s'more good!!!:)
All my life, I kinda "knew" that my reason for existing was to take care of my mother. Even as a little girl, I found myself running to her rescue if she fell or fainted or whatever. And when my drunk father was raising hell with her, I'd jump in between them and he'd always back down. I guess that's pretty dysfunctional shit but that's not really what I want to write about tonight.
What I want to talk about is being needed...and needing someone else. As long as Moma was still alive, I felt needed. I felt like there was a purpose for my life. When she had her stroke, I kept her at my house for as long as I could. I pureed her food, changed her diapers and bathed her. Her condition quickly became more than I could handle alone but it felt natural to be caring for her at the end of her life.
Even though it felt natural in later years to take care of my mother, in earlier years it sometimes was stifling and suffocating. I often didn't feel like I could have a life of my own because Moma "needed" me so much. I have to confess that I held some resentment inside for years. Moma had other kids but they weren't there for her and she didn't seem to want them to be. It was me she wanted. And I was always there because I felt like that was where I belonged, where I was supposed to be.
After my mother died in November 2000, I went through a series of emotions. I was told that was normal but it didn't feel very normal at the time. The first emotion was terror. It was the first time in my life that my mother wasn't there. It felt like something really wrong had happened, like it was a terrible mistake that she died. It was not real to me that I'd never see her again. There was a part of me that was waiting for her to get back from wherever she was.
Once I accepted the reality that my mother had gone on to what's next for her, then I had to figure out what was next for me. Suddenly I felt free, more free than I ever had felt in my life. I felt like a bird let out of a cage. I felt guilty for feeling that way. But I felt that way. For the next several years, I poured myself into my business and my new found freedom. But, as I've written before, I burned myself out and crashed.
Then I went into the next emotions....depression and loneliness. I felt so displaced, so unnecessary. Without Moma there to look out for, I truly could not justify my existence and at times I wasn't sure I even wanted to exist any more. My life was empty and pointless. Every day I went through the motions of working because if I didn't, I'd be homeless and hungry. But I really felt no sense of purpose at all.
It was at this point that I realized the I needed to be needed. The "freedom" I had experienced after Moma died had turned into a very lonely existence. There's an old song that says "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". I truly had nothing left to lose. Except for my pets, there was nobody that needed me. I was stubborn though and said that I didn't want anybody "dependent" on me. I needed my "space". I had my hands full just taking care of myself and I didn't want to have to take care of anyone else. I had totally shut myself off from people and it had become very painful.
Eventually, I started trying to reach out to people but was rejected several times and I crawled back inside myself. But there was something inside of me that kept telling me that humans are not designed to live in a capsule. It is our nature to need each other. I had to admit that I needed someone. I needed someone to need me.
Recently I met someone who I think might just need me. And I feel myself wanting to give to this person and take care of him, not in a nursemaid sort of way, but just in a loving sort of way. Many of the things I said I'd never do, I truly desire to do for him. Even cook!!!! Hope I remember how! :)
I used to think that having someone need you was confining and suffocating. But I've really come to see the good in being needed and in needing someone else. See there! I found s'more good!!!:)
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