Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Accentuate the positive

For several months, I have been in kind of a funk, or a depression, if I must call it that. I haven't been suicidal in the sense that I wanted to blow my brains out or swallow a bunch of pills. I guess you could classify it, if it needs to be classified, as passive suicidal. That means that I've kind of been at a place where if I got cancer, lets say, I wouldn't have pursued treatment. I would have just let it "take me".

But inside each one of us, there is always a presence that very much wants to live. I mean REALLY live, not just exist. It's a part of us that we can't squelch, no matter how hard we try. It the reason for the restlessness so many of us feel when our lives are not what we wish they were. I call it divine discontentment. It's our higher self, our soul, our spirit, however you want to word it.....if it needs to be worded. In 51 years of life, I've never been able to make that part of me shut up. At times when I've wanted to throw in the towel, that part of me, that little voice inside me, kept coming up with reasons not to and things to try to make things better.

In an effort to please that part of me, and practice what I preach here on this blog, I started looking inside myself for something, anything, about my life or about life in general that I still found pleasure in. And I came up with not one, but two things. I still love music. And I still love nature. So I've begun to focus on those two things in very simple ways.

At this point, I don't have much money to spend. But if we do as much as we can with what we have then it will expand. I DO have $6 to buy a couple potted plants for my deck. I now have red and white impatiens lining the steps of my deck. And there is a big azalea bush outside and I cut some of the flowers and put then in a vase on my kitchen table. That was free and I've really enjoyed them. And I had $35 to buy myself a tent. Now me and my dog can go out to the campground at the lake and commune with nature and unplug from the hustle bustle of the city for a while. It's that hustle bustle that has brought on much, if not most, of the depression in the first place.

As far as music goes, I do have 99 cents to download a song to my MP3 player. And, of course, I'm still totally in love with Willie Nelson and he just released a new album, which I plan to get next week. And I still have lots and lots of music that I've had all along. And there's always the radio. That's free!!!

Just from making these small, inexpensive changes in my life and focusing on the two things I found that I still love, the depression has lifted substantially. I feel lighter and I now have something to look forward to. I'm getting that childlike joy from simple, little things like finding a cooler at the Goodwill store for $3 that would sell new for about $25+. Or the little two dollar plastic egg carrier I got at Walmart for taking eggs to the campground with me. I'm almost embarrassed how tickled I was with my new egg carrier. LOL!

But at least I'm laughing and smiling again. And the fog is lifting and life feels better. Just from emphasizing two small things, the only two things I still enjoyed. And, what I can see is that it's really true that once we satisfy one desire, it sparks another desire. That's human nature. What we focus on expands in our lives. Now I'm thinking about doing some hiking and backpacking with my new tent. Of course, then I couldn't take my airbed with me and I'd have to sleep in a sleeping bag on the ground. So let's not get carried away here! :)

Here's to focusing on the good stuff!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Good in Being Real

When I first started writing this blog, I had a lot to say. I was at a place in my life where I was feeling very inspired and had a lot of ideas and feelings inside me that I wanted to express. I very much enjoyed sharing my experiences and philosophies. But after a while, I moved to a different place and didn't really have that much to say any more. I guess I've always had a short attention span. That's why I always got cheap toys when I was little. Moma knew I wouldn't stay interested long so I didn't get anything that cost much. To this day, I'd rather have several small jobs to do than one big one. I guess it's just the way I'm wired.

For a while, I tried to make myself continue to write. But I saw that the things I was writing weren't bubbling up from the inside but rather were just thrown together off the top of my head. Writing in this blog began to feel more like a chore than an expression of myself. And that didn't feel right. I felt like a phony, a fraud.

My definition of success is that we're living life on our own terms and being true to ourselves. To me, part of being true to myself is being honest with myself and being real. I was sitting here trying to write about looking for the good even at times when I WASN'T looking for the good. I had to take a good look in the mirror and see my own human-ness. I had to admit to myself, if not to my readers, if I have any, that I don't always look for the good. Sometimes I just have a piss poor attitude and I just like to wallow in it for a while. And, being a middle aged female, there are times when my body chemistry (aka hormones!) makes me have, how shall I say this, a different perspective on things. And sometimes, dammit, I just don't feel like writing in this blog!

So from now on, I will only write when I have something bubbling up from inside me. I'm only going to be real. And being real is really really good! See there? I found some good! :)