Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Growing Up

I think that part of growing up is reassessing how we feel about things ever so often. But I have to admit that I don't want to do that! I worked hard forming the opinions I have and I don't want to have to work that hard again. Besides, what if I realized that I feel differently now? Would that mean I was wrong to feel the way I felt before or to hold the opinions I held before? Who wants to be wrong? Not me. So I have tended to be lazy and just keep going through life with the same old preconceived notions I've had for decades. Just don't want to upset the old apple cart.

The problem with that is that you miss out on a lot of good! One example I can think of right now, because of a very wonderful experience I had today, is my comfort level with small children. I have for decades said that I am allergic to kids! Sometimes people laugh. Sometimes people look at me like I'm some sort of demon. I've even had people want to argue with me about it. I've been asked how I could possibly hate children. I never said I hated them. I just said I'm not comfortable around them. We all have preferences. Some people aren't comfortable around dogs but I love them. I don't accuse them of being dog haters. It's just what you're comfortable with.

But in thinking about the whole issue of being uncomfortable with something, like small children or dogs or whatever example you want to plug in here, I find that I'm actually now able to find joy and find good in things that I used to want no part of. But that came with a change of perspective and I guess with just becoming more comfortable in my skin and more at ease with the world around me.

Finding that new perspective wasn't nearly as hard a job as finding the old one was. The old perspectives were labor intensive. I had to do a lot of thinking and stewing and analyzing to get to them. I find that my perspectives on life and on the world around me are changing drastically and in very wonderful positive ways because I am letting go and I am accepting. I am letting go of old anger and negative thoughts about things. And I'm accepting a new normal. That was then and this is now and I'm no longer willing to let yesterday screw up my today. And no more stewing and analyzing. Too much work! I'm going to focus on the good stuff and let the rest go, just in case it IS true that what you focus your attention on is what expands in your life. I want the good stuff to expand and the "bad" stuff to shrink. Girls just wanna have fun, ya know??? Life should be fun! Look for the fun!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Finding Good in Winter Weather

OK, here's another area where I have, for years, been very much a grouch! I've hated snow!!!! It messes up traffic, keeps me from getting to work, keeps me from getting outside or to the store when I need to. Such a nuisance! Whenever I would wake up and see snow outside, I would just groan and go back to bed, then lay around depressed until it was gone! Just like I did with the holidays, I threw away precious days of my life because I couldn't see any good. Now that I'm trying a new perspective, I'm looking for good in snow. And today I definitely have the opportunity to do that! :)

The snow we have right now is beautiful fluffy snow. It's the kind that makes everything look like a Christmas card. It's actually really breathtaking. This morning I took Bossy outside to do his business and everything that I see every day has an entirely different look and feel! It's like a whole different, magical kind of world just right outside my door right where the noisy traffic usually is. If I can't find anything else good about snow, that's enough right by itself! The traffic goes away for a while! LOL!

Using my new digital camera, I took some pictures of the view of my yard as it looks now. It's interesting, it's the very same yard, and yet it's so different. I think life is like that. It's the very same life, it just looks different sometimes. I think life is always changing and we can either bitch about the changes or we can look for good in them and enjoy the hell out of 'em. I think I'll choose the latter.  So right now, I'm going to bundle up and take my new camera up to the river and take some more pics. Here's what I've taken of my yard so far! More to come!

Note: I've added some more pics to the slideshow. I had an awesome time walking up to the river and taking pictures of the beauty I saw along the way. Hope you enjoy them!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Looking for good through the eyes of a camera

I recently was given a digital camera and have been having a blast taking pictures with it. The wonderful person who gave me the camera told me she had read my blog and we talked about it some. Then I thought about maybe it would be cool to use my new camera to look for good. And today I figured out that I can post pictures in my blog! I didn't know that! LOL! It takes me a while to figure things out sometimes.

I've attached with this post a slideshow of photos I took with my old film camera last summer. It was a handmade puppet parade. It was awesome and taking the pics that day peaked my interest in photography. I really think little things like this parade are the things that put life in your life. Without them, we just exist. And the great thing was that the parade was free!!! Even I can afford that. See there, something else good!

Looking For the Good in the Holidays

I'm the first one to admit that I have, for many years now, been kind of a scrooge. The holiday season was just a nuisance to me. My schedule for my cleaning business became insane because everybody wanted their house cleaned right before Christmas. Traffic was insane. You couldn't even go to the store for anything because it was so crowded with Christmas shoppers. I hated having to deal with my family. I hated having to spend money I didn't have to buy presents for people I didn't see all year. It all was just overwhelming and I decided after my mother died that I wasn't going to participate in any of it any more. So every year when Christmas came around, I just tuned it out and waited for it to be over with and I was grouchy for the whole month of December. I said that January 2 was my favorite day of the year because then the holiday crap was over with for another year. I threw away all those holiday seasons because I couldn't make myself feel what you're "supposed" to feel.

But this year, I've started a new tradition. I decided that I was going to choose which parts of the holidays I do enjoy and participate in those and skip the others. I love the lights and the decorations. So I put up my tree and decorated it. And for the first time in decades, I actually felt a little creative and I ended up doing the tree in all blue and silver. It's beautiful, if I do say so myself, and I'm really enjoying it. I dressed my car up like a reindeer. It's gotten me a lot of laughs. I have given some intangible gifts to people that I hope will stay with them much longer than anything I could have wrapped up in a box. And I guess, in a way, this blog is my gift to whoever is out there reading it.

There is the saying that Jesus is the reason for the season, and I have thought about Jesus a lot this year, though probably not in the traditional sense. Keeping with my theme of looking for the good, I've thought about all the principles that Jesus taught that, if we'll just believe them and apply them in our lives, will bring lots and lots of good into our lives. He taught that what we ask for in prayer, which I interpret to mean what we focus our thoughts on, we will receive...if we believe we will receive it. In other words, we get what we expect to get.

So this year I have actually enjoyed the Christmas season because I haven't put any attention on the parts of it that are stressful for me. I haven't tried to force Christmas to be anything in particular. I haven't tried to force myself to feel anything in particular. I haven't let myself feel sad because of what I "don't" have. I haven't tried to re-create any feelings or re-live any experiences that I've had in the past. I've stayed in the now moment and I've only put my attention on the parts of Christmas that bring me joy and pleasure now. And as I've looked for good in the holidays, the most amazing thing has happened! I found it!!! Wow! I might be on to something here!!!

Happy Holidays to everyone! A little late I guess. Sorry!!! :D btw, that really is my Christmas tree! Blue balls and all! LOL!

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Story Someone Shared With Me

I haven't written in this blog for several months, partly because I had my internet service cut off because I was too addicted to it but also partly because, quite honestly, I haven't been looking for the good. I got lazy and didn't feel like doing the work of looking for something good. But I found some good anyway, even when I wasn't looking. When I was down and out, there were people there for me, mostly online people, who helped to find some good FOR me when I was too tired to look for it myself. The following story was just shared with me today by a new online friend and it was really meaningful to me so I decided to copy and paste it here....just in case I still have some readers.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.The Moral:Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Making Peace With The City

June makes a year since I moved back into the city. It's only been recently that I changed my drivers license to this address. I was so sure I wasn't going to stay here. I was sure my nerves just couldn't take living in the city. I lived in the city my whole life and my whole life I was a nervous wreck. Then I moved out to the country and got still and quiet and my nerves calmed down and I wasn't a wreck any more. But then not long after I moved here, I WAS a wreck AGAIN! I'm not the brightest bulb in the lamp but even I could figure out what that meant. It meant that communing with nature and being still and quiet is what calmed my soul. So until just a couple months ago, I was just biding my time until the lease ran out here so I could move back out to the country. But in the meantime, I decided, I would try to get out somewhere quiet and still as often as possible. So I bought an inexpensive tent and acquired some hand me down camping and backpacking gear. And me and Bossy started spending some time in the woods. And wouldn't ya know it??? My nerves have calmed down. Turns out I don't need to live in the country to keep my sanity. I just need to unplug from the city as often as possible.
The problem was that I was resisting. I hated the city and I was bucking against it instead of looking for the good in it. There I go with that looking for the good thing again. But it's true! I was focusing on the traffic, the noise, the unfriendly people, the pace is too fast, it's too crowded, too congested, did I mention the TRAFFIC???? And those were the things that expanded in my mind and in my life. Everywhere I looked was a car wreck or a traffic jam. Everyplace I went, nobody was smiling and no one would speak if I spoke to them. I came home at the end of the day exhausted and drained. I felt overstimulated and agitated. And I became very depressed and felt overwhelmed by it all.
But when I began to make the effort to look elsewhere, my experience changed. It started out just as a survival thing. I was just going to do camping and hiking until I could get moved back out to the country. But I soon realized that it was all I needed to rejuvenate myself and lift my spirits. And the great thing is that one of the campgrounds and hiking places is less than ten miles from my house! I don't need to have a 40 mile commute into town every day. Just commuting ten miles out to the campground will accomplish the same thing if I do it often enough. And then I have the best of both worlds! I have all the advantages of living in the city and can get away from it whenever I need or want to.
I think one thing I've learned from it is that sometimes it just takes a small step to make an improvement. Then one thing leads to another and then another and it keeps expanding until eventually we have a new life, a life we have imagined into being, one little step at a time. And that's good! Look for the good! :)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Wherever you are, be there

This weekend me and Bossy went camping for a couple days. My Friday customer cancelled so we got to the lake Thursday night. Nobody else was there. We had the whole campground all to ourselves. It was so quiet. Very relaxing and healing. Thursday night was pretty much about unwinding and getting centered. I slept really well and woke up feeling great Friday morning. I love sleeping in my tent.

We did a little exploring Friday and I felt really connected to the environment. We did a little hiking and I saw a guinea fowl. I've never seen one of those in person before. I saw beautiful butterflies, a monarch and a swallowtail. I saw a swarm of dragonflies circling above. And there were these beautiful bugs that kept hanging around the fire ring. They were jade blue with white dots outlining their wings. I could see them from several feet away because of their color. I was fascinated with them. Friday night I saw a lone lightening bug. I kept seeing the flash of light and at first I thought it was headlights from the park ranger's truck on the other side of the trees. But the light kept moving around and getting closer to me until I realized it was a lightening bug. I haven't seen one of those in a long time.

The campgrounds is, apparently, in the flight pattern for planes landing at the airport. So a lot of planes flew over and at first it really detracted from the experience of being out in nature. I let it irritate me for a while because I came to the campground to get away from the noise of the city and here I was still having to hear planes. I kind of got an attitude about it there for a while. But then I became so intrigued with the beauty I was seeing in the woods that I pretty much tuned out the planes.

That night, sitting by my campfire, I thought about all that I had observed and felt during the day and I realized that I had made a choice. I chose to focus on the beauty and ignore the airplanes. They were gone quickly and then the things that were bringing me pleasure were still there. I chose to truly be focused in the now moment and to truly be there. Sometimes we miss a lot because we're not really fully present in the experience we're having. I'm very guilty of that. But for this weekend's camping trip, I was truly there, and it was wonderful. I couldn't help but think of the old song "It's A Wonderful World". There IS a lot of good in the world. Look for the good!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Mind/Body connection

Since moving back into the city, I have felt myself gradually becoming more anxious and nervous. I find that the constant activity and stimulation and the fast pace of the city is agitating. I was born and raised in the city and I was always a very nervous person. I just figured that was just the type of person I was. But then after living in the country for a couple years, I found a different me that I never knew before. Unfortunately, THAT me is once again fading and the nervous me is coming back. So I've decided to try to find ways to unplug from the city in the hopes that maybe the peaceful, connected me will come back.

I recently bought a tent and some camping gear and me and my dog went out to the lake and camped for a couple nights. I could definitely tell the difference so I figured I was onto something. But within a few days being back in the city, I felt stressed and nervous again. So maybe I SHOULD move back to the country. But until that happens, I am determined to find ways of escaping the rat race.

Last week, I got some books from the library about backpacking and someone gave me some backpacking magazines. I sat up in bed reading the books and the stories in the magazines about hiking. I looked at all those beautiful pictures people had taken on the trail. And I daydreamed about what it would be like to hike the Appalachian Trail, or any trail for that matter. I couldn't get it off my mind. For the next several days, I spent a lot of time fantasizing while I was working. The fantasies were so real in my mind that it felt like I was really there.

After doing this for a few days, I realized something. I was relaxed! I haven't even been backpacking yet but, apparently, just thinking about it relaxed me in the very same way actually doing it will. I thought about my belief that we are IN our body as opposed to we ARE our body. And I realized that I don't have to physically get away from the city in order to calm my nerves down. My nerves and my body are just reflecting what my mind is doing. All that time I spent fantasizing in my mind about hiking through the wilderness and sleeping in a tent by a stream on a mountainside had the very same affect on my body as actually doing it would.

I still intend to go backpacking and camping every chance I get. But I'm glad I noticed that I felt better just from mentally unplugging from the rat race. It pays to pay attention. Paying attention is good. Look for the good! :)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Accentuate the positive

For several months, I have been in kind of a funk, or a depression, if I must call it that. I haven't been suicidal in the sense that I wanted to blow my brains out or swallow a bunch of pills. I guess you could classify it, if it needs to be classified, as passive suicidal. That means that I've kind of been at a place where if I got cancer, lets say, I wouldn't have pursued treatment. I would have just let it "take me".

But inside each one of us, there is always a presence that very much wants to live. I mean REALLY live, not just exist. It's a part of us that we can't squelch, no matter how hard we try. It the reason for the restlessness so many of us feel when our lives are not what we wish they were. I call it divine discontentment. It's our higher self, our soul, our spirit, however you want to word it.....if it needs to be worded. In 51 years of life, I've never been able to make that part of me shut up. At times when I've wanted to throw in the towel, that part of me, that little voice inside me, kept coming up with reasons not to and things to try to make things better.

In an effort to please that part of me, and practice what I preach here on this blog, I started looking inside myself for something, anything, about my life or about life in general that I still found pleasure in. And I came up with not one, but two things. I still love music. And I still love nature. So I've begun to focus on those two things in very simple ways.

At this point, I don't have much money to spend. But if we do as much as we can with what we have then it will expand. I DO have $6 to buy a couple potted plants for my deck. I now have red and white impatiens lining the steps of my deck. And there is a big azalea bush outside and I cut some of the flowers and put then in a vase on my kitchen table. That was free and I've really enjoyed them. And I had $35 to buy myself a tent. Now me and my dog can go out to the campground at the lake and commune with nature and unplug from the hustle bustle of the city for a while. It's that hustle bustle that has brought on much, if not most, of the depression in the first place.

As far as music goes, I do have 99 cents to download a song to my MP3 player. And, of course, I'm still totally in love with Willie Nelson and he just released a new album, which I plan to get next week. And I still have lots and lots of music that I've had all along. And there's always the radio. That's free!!!

Just from making these small, inexpensive changes in my life and focusing on the two things I found that I still love, the depression has lifted substantially. I feel lighter and I now have something to look forward to. I'm getting that childlike joy from simple, little things like finding a cooler at the Goodwill store for $3 that would sell new for about $25+. Or the little two dollar plastic egg carrier I got at Walmart for taking eggs to the campground with me. I'm almost embarrassed how tickled I was with my new egg carrier. LOL!

But at least I'm laughing and smiling again. And the fog is lifting and life feels better. Just from emphasizing two small things, the only two things I still enjoyed. And, what I can see is that it's really true that once we satisfy one desire, it sparks another desire. That's human nature. What we focus on expands in our lives. Now I'm thinking about doing some hiking and backpacking with my new tent. Of course, then I couldn't take my airbed with me and I'd have to sleep in a sleeping bag on the ground. So let's not get carried away here! :)

Here's to focusing on the good stuff!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Good in Being Real

When I first started writing this blog, I had a lot to say. I was at a place in my life where I was feeling very inspired and had a lot of ideas and feelings inside me that I wanted to express. I very much enjoyed sharing my experiences and philosophies. But after a while, I moved to a different place and didn't really have that much to say any more. I guess I've always had a short attention span. That's why I always got cheap toys when I was little. Moma knew I wouldn't stay interested long so I didn't get anything that cost much. To this day, I'd rather have several small jobs to do than one big one. I guess it's just the way I'm wired.

For a while, I tried to make myself continue to write. But I saw that the things I was writing weren't bubbling up from the inside but rather were just thrown together off the top of my head. Writing in this blog began to feel more like a chore than an expression of myself. And that didn't feel right. I felt like a phony, a fraud.

My definition of success is that we're living life on our own terms and being true to ourselves. To me, part of being true to myself is being honest with myself and being real. I was sitting here trying to write about looking for the good even at times when I WASN'T looking for the good. I had to take a good look in the mirror and see my own human-ness. I had to admit to myself, if not to my readers, if I have any, that I don't always look for the good. Sometimes I just have a piss poor attitude and I just like to wallow in it for a while. And, being a middle aged female, there are times when my body chemistry (aka hormones!) makes me have, how shall I say this, a different perspective on things. And sometimes, dammit, I just don't feel like writing in this blog!

So from now on, I will only write when I have something bubbling up from inside me. I'm only going to be real. And being real is really really good! See there? I found some good! :)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Another favorite quote

"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the wrong. For sometime in your life, you will have been all of these."

Lloyd Shearer

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The good in being needed

I don't know if this entry really fits in with the theme of looking for the good. But I've been chewing on these thoughts for days and felt it was time to get them into writing. Hope somebody somewhere gets something out of it. :)

All my life, I kinda "knew" that my reason for existing was to take care of my mother. Even as a little girl, I found myself running to her rescue if she fell or fainted or whatever. And when my drunk father was raising hell with her, I'd jump in between them and he'd always back down. I guess that's pretty dysfunctional shit but that's not really what I want to write about tonight.

What I want to talk about is being needed...and needing someone else. As long as Moma was still alive, I felt needed. I felt like there was a purpose for my life. When she had her stroke, I kept her at my house for as long as I could. I pureed her food, changed her diapers and bathed her. Her condition quickly became more than I could handle alone but it felt natural to be caring for her at the end of her life.

Even though it felt natural in later years to take care of my mother, in earlier years it sometimes was stifling and suffocating. I often didn't feel like I could have a life of my own because Moma "needed" me so much. I have to confess that I held some resentment inside for years. Moma had other kids but they weren't there for her and she didn't seem to want them to be. It was me she wanted. And I was always there because I felt like that was where I belonged, where I was supposed to be.

After my mother died in November 2000, I went through a series of emotions. I was told that was normal but it didn't feel very normal at the time. The first emotion was terror. It was the first time in my life that my mother wasn't there. It felt like something really wrong had happened, like it was a terrible mistake that she died. It was not real to me that I'd never see her again. There was a part of me that was waiting for her to get back from wherever she was.

Once I accepted the reality that my mother had gone on to what's next for her, then I had to figure out what was next for me. Suddenly I felt free, more free than I ever had felt in my life. I felt like a bird let out of a cage. I felt guilty for feeling that way. But I felt that way. For the next several years, I poured myself into my business and my new found freedom. But, as I've written before, I burned myself out and crashed.

Then I went into the next emotions....depression and loneliness. I felt so displaced, so unnecessary. Without Moma there to look out for, I truly could not justify my existence and at times I wasn't sure I even wanted to exist any more. My life was empty and pointless. Every day I went through the motions of working because if I didn't, I'd be homeless and hungry. But I really felt no sense of purpose at all.

It was at this point that I realized the I needed to be needed. The "freedom" I had experienced after Moma died had turned into a very lonely existence. There's an old song that says "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". I truly had nothing left to lose. Except for my pets, there was nobody that needed me. I was stubborn though and said that I didn't want anybody "dependent" on me. I needed my "space". I had my hands full just taking care of myself and I didn't want to have to take care of anyone else. I had totally shut myself off from people and it had become very painful.

Eventually, I started trying to reach out to people but was rejected several times and I crawled back inside myself. But there was something inside of me that kept telling me that humans are not designed to live in a capsule. It is our nature to need each other. I had to admit that I needed someone. I needed someone to need me.

Recently I met someone who I think might just need me. And I feel myself wanting to give to this person and take care of him, not in a nursemaid sort of way, but just in a loving sort of way. Many of the things I said I'd never do, I truly desire to do for him. Even cook!!!! Hope I remember how! :)

I used to think that having someone need you was confining and suffocating. But I've really come to see the good in being needed and in needing someone else. See there! I found s'more good!!!:)

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I've decided that I'd like to share some of my poetry in this blog. It's kind of funny. I never considered myself to be a poet. And yet, that's mostly what I've had published. They say poetry is an overflow of powerful emotions and I believe that too. I can't just sit down and write a poem whenever I want to. They come to me and won't leave me alone till I write them down. I admit I haven't written any poetry in a long time. Maybe I don't allow myself to feel powerful emotions any more. I might have to work on that.

The "problem" with my poetry is that I typically only write it when I'm feeling really low. So most of my poems are probably depressing. But I would like to share this poem that I wrote during a time when I was learning about how that the outer world we perceive that we live in is a mirror reflection of our inner world, or our inner self. This poem was used in a talk by a Unity minister and he told me later that he had a lot of requests for a written copy of it. I hope my readers enjoy it. :) I wrote it 7/28/93. By the way, I typed the poem up in perfect spacing but it changed when I published. Don't know how to fix it. Sorry. :)

The Mirror
If all the world is a mirror of me,
I must be very beautiful.
For the world I see is exquisite,
full of breathtaking beauty in simple things like
white puffy clouds seen through the branches
of an old oak tree you're laying under,
and the sunshine making you squint
as you look up to see the bloom of a tall sunflower,
and sunlight glistening on tears of joy,
and moonlight through the pines.
If all the world is a mirror of me,
I have much to be grateful for.
For the world offers me a wonderful gift every day
if I will but pull the ribbon and open it.
Gifts like smiling, laughing children
and playful puppies and kittens,
and delays which give us time to pause and be still
and songs that make us feel happy
and warm soup that makes us feel good inside.
If all the world is a mirror of me,
I am very safe and secure.
For the world has thrived for eternity,
which has no beginning and no end
and flowers continue to bloom,
and rivers continue to flow,
and babies keep being born,
and birds keep flying,
and the seasons still change right on time,
and all is well.
If all the world is a mirror of me,
how beautiful I must be indeed!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Never say never

I think that part of growing up is reevaluating old opinions and values and deciding if they still apply or if we still feel that way. The older I get, the more I find myself really wanting to do things that I would once have said I'd never do.

Less than four years ago, I lost my home and, at the time, I thought that was the most horrible thing that could possibly happen. I cried my guts out some nights and wanted to go "home" so bad. Sometimes I would close my eyes and mentally "walk" through my house and just cry and cry. I couldn't even drive down the street where my house was because I couldn't stand to see it and not be able to go inside. I felt like a part of me had been taken away from me.

The reason I lost the house was depression. After the death of my mother, I poured myself into my work. I worked night and day. I was running from my feelings and from the fear of making it through my days without her. She was my anchor. She kept me grounded and made me feel secure. She was, after all, my mother. And she was my best friend. My only friend, really. People told me I couldn't keep up that pace forever but I'd just laugh and tell them I was a "high energy" person and that I could handle it. But there came a time where my energy dwindled. Over the course of about a year, it dwindled down to nothing. I was exhausted, burned out, and quickly spiraling down into the most severe depressed state I'd ever been in. I started losing customers because sometimes I couldn't stop crying long enough to go clean their house. My income kept getting lower and lower and the depression kept getting more and more debilitating. My income was also going down and I got behind on everything. That, of course, intensified the depression and feelings of helplessness. I was sinking. I was going under.

After I lost the house, I lived in a pop up camper for seven months. I've written about that previously. Then I got the opportunity to live on a farm. I was still in a severe state of depression and was functioning on automatic pilot only. But after a few months out in the country, the fog started to lift. And, over the course of the next two years, I healed mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Looking back, I see now that I lost everyTHING but I found myself!

All those years I was busting my ass trying to make that big house payment and keep a new car and such, I was totally out of touch with who I really am. I was trying to be something I'm not because I guess I thought the type of person I was pretending to be was somehow better than the person I really am. But I was living a lie and I really think that's the reason I had problems with depression in the first place, even before my mother died.

Today, the life I desire to live is entirely different than what I was living. I'm no longer concerned about what people think about me and I no longer care if I "fit in". I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to be who I came here to be, not who they came here to be. If someone had told me even five years ago that I would want to live like I want to live now, I'd have said "NO WAY!!!" But I've learned to never say never. Sometimes the things that seem like the worst things in the world are really the best things that could happen. And there comes a time where we have to reexamine our priorities and rethink our opinions and look for good in things we once could not find any good in. Good is everywhere!

Keep lookin' for the good! :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

Looking for good in being sick for two weeks!

OK. Today makes two weeks since the cold monster got me and I'm STILL coughing and hacking and blowing! My plans to go out of town this past weekend, of course, were squelched! I was very disappointed but it would have been a miserable trip feeling the way I feel. But this morning while I was getting ready to attempt to go out to work, I thought of a few advantages to being sick. Here they are:

1) With the congestion, I haven't been able to smell the stinkers my cat makes in her litter box.
2) I haven't needed to do laundry like I normally would have because I've been wearing the same pair of sweats for five days! That also saves on my electric bill.
3) My water heater has had a vacation because, until this morning, I also hadn't taken a shower in five days! Well, maybe not that long but still. That saves on the electric bill too!
4) My dog hasn't had to get all stressed out about me leaving like he does when I leave for work every day....because I haven't left!
5) Many people have jobs because of sick people like me. There's the pharmacists, the FNP at the CVS minute clinic, the people at the Nyquil factory, the drug store cashiers.......
6) I've saved a lot of money on gas since my car hasn't moved in days! Saving gas helps reduce our dependence on foreign oil.
7) I now know that the ceiling in my bedroom needs to be painted.
8) I think coughing must be a great workout for my abs cuz they sure are sore. I think I may have six packs by the time this damned thing is over with.
9) I have a legitimate excuse for still having my Christmas tree up.
10) I'm actually looking forward to going to work today!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Plagiarism is quicker! :)

I wish I could say these are my words but they're not. It is a quote I just read from Anais Nim, author, 1903-1977. I have never heard of this person but I just really liked the thought and wanted to include it in my blog.

"Everyone dies but not everyone lives. Live your life in a way that makes you happy and proud. It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before...to test your limits...to break through barriers.

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Just checking in!

I've sat here several times and tried to write but can't seem to get my mind in gear. I have been sick with a bad head cold for a week now. (Are there good ones?) I guess I have medicine head. Been trying to look for the good in being sick like this. Haven't had any luck. But I can see some good elsewhere. At least it happened at a time where I had five days with no work booked. So it didn't wreak havok on my schedule or on my budget. And I've had absolutely no appetite so, therefore, I haven't been overeating.

We've also started a new year. If it's true that we create our lives with our thoughts, then that kind of makes us like artists. If we think of our mind/thoughts/energy as our paintbrush and our lives as our canvass, then lets use this new year to paint whatever kind of life we want for ourselves. I know that's easier said than done. But lets try. One thing I've decided to do different this year is that I'm going to take more chances. I'm not going to play it safe like I always have. I'm gonna gamble a little and maybe live on the edge just a little. And I think I'm gonna break a few rules too. (I didn't say laws, I said rules! LOL!) I just feel like if I try something and it doesn't work, that's better than not trying anything at all. I KNOW what I'm doing now isn't working, so what's the difference? Something good comes from EVERY experience! If a situation doesn't work out exactly like you hope, that doesn't mean it was a total waste. We grow and learn from everything we do. But if we do nothing, then we don't grow or learn. We just die.

I don't know that this entry has been particularly motivating or inspiring to anyone. I'm very sorry I'm not feeling more philosophical. A Nyquil hangover is rough! LOL! I just felt like I needed to post something so any readers I may have will know that I haven't jumped ship. I'm still here, still trying to practice looking for the good every day. I welcome any comments from my readers. Maybe some of you have some inspiration to share.

Lets all keep lookin' for the good in 2010!