Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Experiencing the Good

This morning I thought I found a small lump in my breast. But then I realized that small lump IS my breast! I'm the only woman I know who can gain 75 pounds and still have small boobs. And now that I've lost the 75 pounds, they're pretty much shaped like nanners. SMALL nanners! In my next life I want to have big boobs and long legs instead of big legs and long boobs! What's boobs got to do with looking for the good? Nothing. I just felt like talking about 'em.

As far as looking for the good goes, I think maybe part of LOOKING for the good is EXPERIENCING the good. I think we should really drink it in, really absorb whatever it is, make it a part of ourselves so that when the "bad" comes we'll have the good in us to remember and hold onto. Too often we are in such a rush to get to what's next that we don't really notice what's happening now. We're never fully "there" when the good is happening so we miss it. The years go by and we think we've not had much good in our lives. Truth is, the good was there, we were just too busy to notice it.

When I lived on the farm, I learned the fine art of doing nothing and I learned how to slow down and really notice the beauty, the good, all around me. I have very fond memories of sitting in the rocking chair on the side porch watching hummingbirds drink from the feeder just a few feet away from me. I can still close my eyes and experience that just as if I was right there. That's because I slowed down and got still and took the time to truly experience it. It's now a part of me. A good part. I found some good!

Another spellcheck with no errors! Damn I'm good! See! I found s'more good! :D

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Shifting your focus

I think what I learned today about looking for the good is that you don't necessarily have to find good in the particular drama you're experiencing at the time. When I woke up this morning, I felt like a big fat gassy hog with frizzy hair and zits! It was cold and rainy outside. My dog wouldn't just take a crap where he was. He had to go looking for the perfect spot....while I got drenched! My cat was raising hell because she wanted to be fed. And I was running an hour behind schedule. And those were the GOOD aspects of the morning! For the first couple hours I was working, I bitched and whined to myself about how crappy a day it was. Then I remembered this blog and I said "Wait a minute, I'm the look for the good girl! I can't be going around thinking like this. But I couldn't find anything good about feeling fat, having the farts or having a zit the size of Texas on my nose. I wasn't gonna say something like "Having this zit is good because it inspires me to try new skin care products." I wasn't gonna go there. (Sorry if you're an Avon lady!) Instead, I decided to change the channel and watch a different to speak. I thought about how good it is to be self-employed so I could take some extra time this morning to feel sorry for myself, I mean nurture myself for a while before I went out to work. I thought about how good it is that I have a skill that allows me to basically work part time but make enough money to get by on. I thought about how good it was that none of my customers would be home when I was cleaning their houses and therefore they would not see me in the piss poor mood I was in. By lunch time, I was feeling pretty good. And the sun even came out. I'm certain the sun came out just because I shifted my focus and thought about good stuff. I do still have that damn zit though!!!!

Hey! I just did spellcheck and got a message that there were NO misspellings found! Woo hoo! Now THAT'S something good! See! :D

Monday, October 26, 2009

Create a Diversion

If it's true that what we focus our attention on is what expands in our lives, then it would behoove us to focus our attention on something we want, not on something we don't want. One of the things I currently want is a little POC camper I found out at the lake. (For those who don't know, POC stands for piece o' crap) :D As I mentioned before, I used to own a house (or really it owned me) and I got a new car every three years. After I lost all that, my perspective changed drastically and I realized what is REALLY important to me. FREEDOM! When I look back over my life, it finally makes sense now for the first time ever. I used to think I had floundered my whole life away and had wasted all my years. But now I realize that I really WAS working towards something. It just wasn't something tangible. It wasn't anything I could take a picture of or record onto a tape. Every choice I have made, every mistake I've made, the lifestyle I have chosen, everything goes back to my strong desire, need for freedom. To me that means the freedom to be who I really am in a world that wants me to be someone else. It means the freedom to live life on my own terms and be true to myself. We are all part of the whole and when one of us gets better, we're ALL better and the whole universe is better. (That line is a little out of place but I like it so I'm leaving it in!)

Anyway, getting back to the POC camper I want. I found this camper online one day when I was just browsing and dreaming. It's dirt cheap and I was able to negotiate owner financing. I will pay it off in two years and then be debt FREE! Then the only bills I will have will be utilities and such. Yes, it's just a little camper, but it will give me the FREEDOM I seek financially. Then I will be FREE to do some traveling and have some experiences I've never been able to afford to have because all my money has always gone to survival. I'll finally be able to live instead of just exist.

Let's see, I started off talking about creating a diversion. How the hell did I get on this??? Oh yeah! The only thing keeping me from buying this camper is that I am in a lease where I live now. My landlord has agreed to let me out of the lease and refund my deposit once he gets a new tenant to replace me. Well, this has been going on since August and still no new tenant. So, as we humans tend to do, I started thinking some pretty negative stuff. I have this standard rant in my mind. It goes something like this. "I don't know why the hell I even thought something like that could happen for me. Nothing ever works out for me. That's just the way it's always been. Don't know why I even keep trying. My life will never be any different than it is right now." Sound familiar? I especially sing that song when it's PMS time only with a little more embellishments. But this time, I decided to create a diversion to get my mind off the negative stuff. I figure if I can't make myself think positive thoughts, maybe I can at least keep myself from thinking the negative ones. Worth a try anyway. So the diversion I created was a Willie Nelson kick! Last summer I went on a Matthew McConaughey kick! I know, how the hell do you go from Matthew to Willie? Hey, they're both from Texas!!!! Anyway, I've rented or purchased several Willie concerts and also three books by him. And this Friday I'm going to Charlotte to see him in concert! Since I hardly ever do anything other than work, eat and sleep, this Willie concert has been a big deal for me. I've looked forward to it all month long and have spent a lot of time thinking about Willie and his music and his life. Not only have I learned a lot about Willie, but it's gotten my mind off the delays in getting the camper. I'll keep you posted how that goes. But I really think creating the diversion is a valuable tool I will continue to use. This month has been fun just thinking about it. Fun is good! Keep looking for the good! Get the connection? :)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Looking for the ME

Part of looking for the good is looking for the good in myself. I have to admit that I've spent my whole life until recently thinking I was a total loser because I didn't seem to fit into any of the "slots" of society. I'm not a hippie, a yuppie, an intellect, a debutante, a redneck (well, OK, maybe part redneck!), a leader or a follower. I'm just me. But "me" always seemed strange because I never met anyone else that was like "me". Finally, not too long ago, it dawned on me that people were created like snowflakes, no two alike. And I realized that sameness is not natural. So now, instead of trying to find myself in others, I look in the mirror. Now I am able to see a lot of good in "me" that I could never see before and I embrace my uniqueness. Life is much better now and I'm happier than I've ever been now that I'm just being the best "me" I can be. I'm finally comfortable in my skin. An added benefit is that I'm also better able to accept and appreciate other people who are different from me....which would be EVERYONE, of course, since we're all like snowflakes! :)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Finding Good in "Bad" Situations

I'm not a religious person at all but I seem to recall a Bible verse that says something like "...if there be any virtue, if there be any good, think on these things." I interpret that to mean, basically, look for the good! I remember seeing an interview with a soldier who'd lost both his legs in combat and he was a master at looking for the good. He said the "advantage" to having lost his legs was that it made it possible for him to counsel other soldiers who'd had traumatic injuries in the war. I'm not sure I could really look at it like that if it was me. But it really made me think.

Sometimes things happen that we think, at the time, are the most horrible thing in the world but then they end up being the best thing that could've happened. I used to be a workaholic big time! I worked probably 80+ hours a week and in my "off" time I was thinking about working. People kept telling me I couldn't keep up that pace forever. But I'd just laugh and tell them I was a "high energy" person and a great time manager. I prided myself on being able to accomplish more in a day's time than the average person. I called it "ambition". Now I call it insanity. Along about 2005-2006, I started to lose my "ambition". I started getting really tired and had a hard time carrying the work load. So I decided to cut out all my night work. That way I was "only" working 50-60 hours a week. Still I got more and more tired until finally I totally crashed! I slipped into a disabling depression and couldn't get myself out the door to work at all. Sometimes I'd get out the door only to get to my first jobsite and break down crying and not be able to stop. I'd come back home and crawl in bed. Of course, when you're self-employed, if you don't work you don't make any money so I quickly got further and further behind on my mortgage payment and car payment until eventually I lost both. May 6, 2006, I had to move out of my home. I was terrified and thought it was the most devastating thing that could possibly happen. But, after bumping around to a couple different rental places, I got the opportunity to rent an old farmhouse out in the country. And the two years I spent living on that farm were the most healing and growing years of my life thus far. I lost all my "stuff" but I found ME!!!! Living in the country forced me to be still and quiet and that's when I reconnected with my soul. And I finally did my grief work that I never did after my mother died in 2000. And I let go of anger I had bottled up inside me. I also became healthy physically. I lost 75 pounds and got off my blood pressure meds. Sometimes it takes a breakdown to make a breakthrough. I'm now VERY glad I lost that house and the car and all my other "stuff". Life's not about stuff.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Getting Started

Well, here I go with Day One of this blog. I have to admit that what gave me the idea to do this blog was that I had registered to win a gig doing a blog for a vitamin company. It was a six month gig that paid $5000 a month! You would write about how you keep your mood up. It was a promotion for their Sam-E product. The person who got the most votes got the job. Well, there was this skinny chick in California who had about 3,000 votes before I ever even knew about the contest. Now she has over 5,000 and I have about 280. I guess that's what I get for being a loner, huh? Hell, I'd do the job for $2000 a month!!! Anyway, in keeping with the purpose of this blog, the good that came from that was that I decided to start my own darn blog. Writing this blog every day will be a great way for me to keep myself focused on the good stuff in life. And there's lots of it if we will just look for it. So come along with me as I learn how to do this damn blogging thing AND look fer da good!!! :D