Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Another favorite quote

"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the wrong. For sometime in your life, you will have been all of these."

Lloyd Shearer

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The good in being needed

I don't know if this entry really fits in with the theme of looking for the good. But I've been chewing on these thoughts for days and felt it was time to get them into writing. Hope somebody somewhere gets something out of it. :)

All my life, I kinda "knew" that my reason for existing was to take care of my mother. Even as a little girl, I found myself running to her rescue if she fell or fainted or whatever. And when my drunk father was raising hell with her, I'd jump in between them and he'd always back down. I guess that's pretty dysfunctional shit but that's not really what I want to write about tonight.

What I want to talk about is being needed...and needing someone else. As long as Moma was still alive, I felt needed. I felt like there was a purpose for my life. When she had her stroke, I kept her at my house for as long as I could. I pureed her food, changed her diapers and bathed her. Her condition quickly became more than I could handle alone but it felt natural to be caring for her at the end of her life.

Even though it felt natural in later years to take care of my mother, in earlier years it sometimes was stifling and suffocating. I often didn't feel like I could have a life of my own because Moma "needed" me so much. I have to confess that I held some resentment inside for years. Moma had other kids but they weren't there for her and she didn't seem to want them to be. It was me she wanted. And I was always there because I felt like that was where I belonged, where I was supposed to be.

After my mother died in November 2000, I went through a series of emotions. I was told that was normal but it didn't feel very normal at the time. The first emotion was terror. It was the first time in my life that my mother wasn't there. It felt like something really wrong had happened, like it was a terrible mistake that she died. It was not real to me that I'd never see her again. There was a part of me that was waiting for her to get back from wherever she was.

Once I accepted the reality that my mother had gone on to what's next for her, then I had to figure out what was next for me. Suddenly I felt free, more free than I ever had felt in my life. I felt like a bird let out of a cage. I felt guilty for feeling that way. But I felt that way. For the next several years, I poured myself into my business and my new found freedom. But, as I've written before, I burned myself out and crashed.

Then I went into the next emotions....depression and loneliness. I felt so displaced, so unnecessary. Without Moma there to look out for, I truly could not justify my existence and at times I wasn't sure I even wanted to exist any more. My life was empty and pointless. Every day I went through the motions of working because if I didn't, I'd be homeless and hungry. But I really felt no sense of purpose at all.

It was at this point that I realized the I needed to be needed. The "freedom" I had experienced after Moma died had turned into a very lonely existence. There's an old song that says "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". I truly had nothing left to lose. Except for my pets, there was nobody that needed me. I was stubborn though and said that I didn't want anybody "dependent" on me. I needed my "space". I had my hands full just taking care of myself and I didn't want to have to take care of anyone else. I had totally shut myself off from people and it had become very painful.

Eventually, I started trying to reach out to people but was rejected several times and I crawled back inside myself. But there was something inside of me that kept telling me that humans are not designed to live in a capsule. It is our nature to need each other. I had to admit that I needed someone. I needed someone to need me.

Recently I met someone who I think might just need me. And I feel myself wanting to give to this person and take care of him, not in a nursemaid sort of way, but just in a loving sort of way. Many of the things I said I'd never do, I truly desire to do for him. Even cook!!!! Hope I remember how! :)

I used to think that having someone need you was confining and suffocating. But I've really come to see the good in being needed and in needing someone else. See there! I found s'more good!!!:)

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I've decided that I'd like to share some of my poetry in this blog. It's kind of funny. I never considered myself to be a poet. And yet, that's mostly what I've had published. They say poetry is an overflow of powerful emotions and I believe that too. I can't just sit down and write a poem whenever I want to. They come to me and won't leave me alone till I write them down. I admit I haven't written any poetry in a long time. Maybe I don't allow myself to feel powerful emotions any more. I might have to work on that.

The "problem" with my poetry is that I typically only write it when I'm feeling really low. So most of my poems are probably depressing. But I would like to share this poem that I wrote during a time when I was learning about how that the outer world we perceive that we live in is a mirror reflection of our inner world, or our inner self. This poem was used in a talk by a Unity minister and he told me later that he had a lot of requests for a written copy of it. I hope my readers enjoy it. :) I wrote it 7/28/93. By the way, I typed the poem up in perfect spacing but it changed when I published. Don't know how to fix it. Sorry. :)

The Mirror
If all the world is a mirror of me,
I must be very beautiful.
For the world I see is exquisite,
full of breathtaking beauty in simple things like
white puffy clouds seen through the branches
of an old oak tree you're laying under,
and the sunshine making you squint
as you look up to see the bloom of a tall sunflower,
and sunlight glistening on tears of joy,
and moonlight through the pines.
If all the world is a mirror of me,
I have much to be grateful for.
For the world offers me a wonderful gift every day
if I will but pull the ribbon and open it.
Gifts like smiling, laughing children
and playful puppies and kittens,
and delays which give us time to pause and be still
and songs that make us feel happy
and warm soup that makes us feel good inside.
If all the world is a mirror of me,
I am very safe and secure.
For the world has thrived for eternity,
which has no beginning and no end
and flowers continue to bloom,
and rivers continue to flow,
and babies keep being born,
and birds keep flying,
and the seasons still change right on time,
and all is well.
If all the world is a mirror of me,
how beautiful I must be indeed!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Never say never

I think that part of growing up is reevaluating old opinions and values and deciding if they still apply or if we still feel that way. The older I get, the more I find myself really wanting to do things that I would once have said I'd never do.

Less than four years ago, I lost my home and, at the time, I thought that was the most horrible thing that could possibly happen. I cried my guts out some nights and wanted to go "home" so bad. Sometimes I would close my eyes and mentally "walk" through my house and just cry and cry. I couldn't even drive down the street where my house was because I couldn't stand to see it and not be able to go inside. I felt like a part of me had been taken away from me.

The reason I lost the house was depression. After the death of my mother, I poured myself into my work. I worked night and day. I was running from my feelings and from the fear of making it through my days without her. She was my anchor. She kept me grounded and made me feel secure. She was, after all, my mother. And she was my best friend. My only friend, really. People told me I couldn't keep up that pace forever but I'd just laugh and tell them I was a "high energy" person and that I could handle it. But there came a time where my energy dwindled. Over the course of about a year, it dwindled down to nothing. I was exhausted, burned out, and quickly spiraling down into the most severe depressed state I'd ever been in. I started losing customers because sometimes I couldn't stop crying long enough to go clean their house. My income kept getting lower and lower and the depression kept getting more and more debilitating. My income was also going down and I got behind on everything. That, of course, intensified the depression and feelings of helplessness. I was sinking. I was going under.

After I lost the house, I lived in a pop up camper for seven months. I've written about that previously. Then I got the opportunity to live on a farm. I was still in a severe state of depression and was functioning on automatic pilot only. But after a few months out in the country, the fog started to lift. And, over the course of the next two years, I healed mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Looking back, I see now that I lost everyTHING but I found myself!

All those years I was busting my ass trying to make that big house payment and keep a new car and such, I was totally out of touch with who I really am. I was trying to be something I'm not because I guess I thought the type of person I was pretending to be was somehow better than the person I really am. But I was living a lie and I really think that's the reason I had problems with depression in the first place, even before my mother died.

Today, the life I desire to live is entirely different than what I was living. I'm no longer concerned about what people think about me and I no longer care if I "fit in". I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to be who I came here to be, not who they came here to be. If someone had told me even five years ago that I would want to live like I want to live now, I'd have said "NO WAY!!!" But I've learned to never say never. Sometimes the things that seem like the worst things in the world are really the best things that could happen. And there comes a time where we have to reexamine our priorities and rethink our opinions and look for good in things we once could not find any good in. Good is everywhere!

Keep lookin' for the good! :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

Looking for good in being sick for two weeks!

OK. Today makes two weeks since the cold monster got me and I'm STILL coughing and hacking and blowing! My plans to go out of town this past weekend, of course, were squelched! I was very disappointed but it would have been a miserable trip feeling the way I feel. But this morning while I was getting ready to attempt to go out to work, I thought of a few advantages to being sick. Here they are:

1) With the congestion, I haven't been able to smell the stinkers my cat makes in her litter box.
2) I haven't needed to do laundry like I normally would have because I've been wearing the same pair of sweats for five days! That also saves on my electric bill.
3) My water heater has had a vacation because, until this morning, I also hadn't taken a shower in five days! Well, maybe not that long but still. That saves on the electric bill too!
4) My dog hasn't had to get all stressed out about me leaving like he does when I leave for work every day....because I haven't left!
5) Many people have jobs because of sick people like me. There's the pharmacists, the FNP at the CVS minute clinic, the people at the Nyquil factory, the drug store cashiers.......
6) I've saved a lot of money on gas since my car hasn't moved in days! Saving gas helps reduce our dependence on foreign oil.
7) I now know that the ceiling in my bedroom needs to be painted.
8) I think coughing must be a great workout for my abs cuz they sure are sore. I think I may have six packs by the time this damned thing is over with.
9) I have a legitimate excuse for still having my Christmas tree up.
10) I'm actually looking forward to going to work today!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Plagiarism is quicker! :)

I wish I could say these are my words but they're not. It is a quote I just read from Anais Nim, author, 1903-1977. I have never heard of this person but I just really liked the thought and wanted to include it in my blog.

"Everyone dies but not everyone lives. Live your life in a way that makes you happy and proud. It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before...to test your limits...to break through barriers.

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Just checking in!

I've sat here several times and tried to write but can't seem to get my mind in gear. I have been sick with a bad head cold for a week now. (Are there good ones?) I guess I have medicine head. Been trying to look for the good in being sick like this. Haven't had any luck. But I can see some good elsewhere. At least it happened at a time where I had five days with no work booked. So it didn't wreak havok on my schedule or on my budget. And I've had absolutely no appetite so, therefore, I haven't been overeating.

We've also started a new year. If it's true that we create our lives with our thoughts, then that kind of makes us like artists. If we think of our mind/thoughts/energy as our paintbrush and our lives as our canvass, then lets use this new year to paint whatever kind of life we want for ourselves. I know that's easier said than done. But lets try. One thing I've decided to do different this year is that I'm going to take more chances. I'm not going to play it safe like I always have. I'm gonna gamble a little and maybe live on the edge just a little. And I think I'm gonna break a few rules too. (I didn't say laws, I said rules! LOL!) I just feel like if I try something and it doesn't work, that's better than not trying anything at all. I KNOW what I'm doing now isn't working, so what's the difference? Something good comes from EVERY experience! If a situation doesn't work out exactly like you hope, that doesn't mean it was a total waste. We grow and learn from everything we do. But if we do nothing, then we don't grow or learn. We just die.

I don't know that this entry has been particularly motivating or inspiring to anyone. I'm very sorry I'm not feeling more philosophical. A Nyquil hangover is rough! LOL! I just felt like I needed to post something so any readers I may have will know that I haven't jumped ship. I'm still here, still trying to practice looking for the good every day. I welcome any comments from my readers. Maybe some of you have some inspiration to share.

Lets all keep lookin' for the good in 2010!