Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Never say never

I think that part of growing up is reevaluating old opinions and values and deciding if they still apply or if we still feel that way. The older I get, the more I find myself really wanting to do things that I would once have said I'd never do.

Less than four years ago, I lost my home and, at the time, I thought that was the most horrible thing that could possibly happen. I cried my guts out some nights and wanted to go "home" so bad. Sometimes I would close my eyes and mentally "walk" through my house and just cry and cry. I couldn't even drive down the street where my house was because I couldn't stand to see it and not be able to go inside. I felt like a part of me had been taken away from me.

The reason I lost the house was depression. After the death of my mother, I poured myself into my work. I worked night and day. I was running from my feelings and from the fear of making it through my days without her. She was my anchor. She kept me grounded and made me feel secure. She was, after all, my mother. And she was my best friend. My only friend, really. People told me I couldn't keep up that pace forever but I'd just laugh and tell them I was a "high energy" person and that I could handle it. But there came a time where my energy dwindled. Over the course of about a year, it dwindled down to nothing. I was exhausted, burned out, and quickly spiraling down into the most severe depressed state I'd ever been in. I started losing customers because sometimes I couldn't stop crying long enough to go clean their house. My income kept getting lower and lower and the depression kept getting more and more debilitating. My income was also going down and I got behind on everything. That, of course, intensified the depression and feelings of helplessness. I was sinking. I was going under.

After I lost the house, I lived in a pop up camper for seven months. I've written about that previously. Then I got the opportunity to live on a farm. I was still in a severe state of depression and was functioning on automatic pilot only. But after a few months out in the country, the fog started to lift. And, over the course of the next two years, I healed mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Looking back, I see now that I lost everyTHING but I found myself!

All those years I was busting my ass trying to make that big house payment and keep a new car and such, I was totally out of touch with who I really am. I was trying to be something I'm not because I guess I thought the type of person I was pretending to be was somehow better than the person I really am. But I was living a lie and I really think that's the reason I had problems with depression in the first place, even before my mother died.

Today, the life I desire to live is entirely different than what I was living. I'm no longer concerned about what people think about me and I no longer care if I "fit in". I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to be who I came here to be, not who they came here to be. If someone had told me even five years ago that I would want to live like I want to live now, I'd have said "NO WAY!!!" But I've learned to never say never. Sometimes the things that seem like the worst things in the world are really the best things that could happen. And there comes a time where we have to reexamine our priorities and rethink our opinions and look for good in things we once could not find any good in. Good is everywhere!

Keep lookin' for the good! :)

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